Wow, I really DO fail at this blog business. Epicly! It's not like I have a quiet life, I just know better than to share some issues that really don't need shared.

Today, I've been considering spirituality and how *my* faith would relate to someone else. Specifically, I've been comparing to Christianity since it's the one of the big 3 I know best. Hypothetical discussion with Hypothetical Christian.

The first obvious thing is that we both have faith. His faith is in God, Jesus, saints and such. He has a holy book which tel^H^H^H guides his actions. He has no physical proof of anything, but he believes and that's all that's needed.

My faith is in my Patron and Matron, and myself, and in the Universe. I don't need a book to provide guidance and morality, I consult my own Jiminy Cricket and know how to behave. I have no direct physical proof that my way works, but I believe and that's all that's needed.

Then comes the biggie - Prayer. My Christian friend prays... prays for an end to war (sometimes), prays for an end to famine (occasionally)... but generally prays his headache will go away, he'll find a parking space, Wal-mart will have a sale on bacon, that sort of thing. Minor prayers, the kind of if-this-works-yay type thing.

I don't pray... I see no need to send petitions to my Deities, because I walk with them and talk with them when I need them or when they have guidance for me. If I need something, I manifest it. My headache will go away. There will be a parking space. Bacon needs to be cheaper. Generally I don't mess with bacon though, not in that way.

Actually, I've noticed that Christians have very... unfocused prayers. "I pray, O Lord, that my headache will be swiftly cured". Great, until you get accidentally beheaded. "I pray, Heavenly Father, that there are plenty of parking spaces". Wonderful. That power cut will really help businesses! Whilst I'm guilty of some selfish manifestation (make that light change, I wanna go!-type stuff), I'm fairly sure if I had some sort of direct line to an almighty Deity with the power to do anything, I'd be asking for an end to famine, advances in medicine, etc etc. If God is going to answer my prayers, I'd rather it be something freaking AWESOME than my headache going away!

I recognise it's partly the role-player in me, but I think every Witch really quickly learns to be focused when they manifest. The universe isn't unkind, it isn't unfriendly, but something along the lines of "I wish to meet my soulmate!" is almost like an invitation for you to meet the perfect woman, with a wonderful sense of humor... and a great husband and 6 perfect children. Weather magic is always the example I fall back on. Yeah, manifest a sunny day this weekend... but know someone else is paying for it. Yeah, keep that storm just outside the city until it's rained out... but those people outside the city are now flooded and someone else is bitching there's no water for their garden. Balance... balance... balance.

I know there's no point in asking my Patron and Matron for too much too. Whilst I'm likely to get some advice and questioning to make sure it's what I really want rather than what I think I want, I also know the eventual outcome is going to be pretty much "You want it, go out and make it happen. No freeloaders!"

What else... Christians worship God. God did Stuff, God did *everything* stuff. If there was a top 10 of People Who Did Stuff, God would be top and everyone else ever would be tied for second place. God. Did. Stuff. God lives in the clouds, but he's really everywhere and knows everything, especially the Naughty Things You Did. He's all powerful, by the way. He can make planets and grasshoppers and all sorts, even Duke Nukem Forever. He also knows everything and can't do anything wrong, because he's Ineffable.

I... can't believe in a Deity like that. My Deities are believable, because they match how I'd imagine Gods to be. What's more likely - "I am totally ineffable. I can do no wrong, and I can do *anything*, I'm just not going to", or "Hey lads, This dude can't die! AT ALL! Lets throw crap at him all day and night, because it's not going to hurt or anything! BIGGER AXE PLX!"

I believe in Gods because I view them largely as people with more power. People are dicks, Gods are just as likely to be dicks. Look at Zeus. Look at Loki. Look at Odin even. "Yes, you're Odin, you're the All-father... but Heimdall *actually* made people. You got runes, pretty, but you had to hang on a tree to get them. You're wicked smart, but you had to sacrifice an eye for that." No free passes, no cheat codes. Believable!

What else... oh, Afterlife. Your all knowing God knows all you've done, all your sins, all your crimes (even before you've done them. Ineffable + Free will). But it's all good, he's not going to punish you for those until you die, right? Unless he randomly decides to Test you... You know you're being Tested when you're life is crap, that's God Testing you.

Consider that for a minute or two... Dropped out of school? Test. Pregnant at 16? definite Test. house robbed? Test (stop being so material). Pick anything bad, and it's a Test. Which means, really, nothing that happens to you is *really* your fault, is it? Because God is Testing you, you can hardly defeat an omnipotent, omnipresent omnivore, can you? Responsibility is a moot point - God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of His own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players*, to being involved in an obscure and complex version of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time. (yes, Good Omens. Doesn't make it less true).

My Gods aren't up in the clouds, watching my every move and compiling the List of Naughty Things, my Gods pull me up on my mistakes and kick my ass. There's no need for any sort of afterlife retribution, I get it now and learn from it. My afterlife consists largely of "So, what did you learn? mmmhm... mmmhm... ok, let's open the Sekrit Sealed Envelope and see if you got it right. You learned Humility... survey says.... HUMILITY! Ding ding ding! You get a new lesson and a gold star!" More to it than that, but that's basically the gist.

There's also no form of Testing. I live, they observe. Sometimes they're proud of me, sometimes they're disappointed, but I always know either way pretty quickly. Sometimes it's a "heeeeey, did you REALLY need to do that?" and I think about it and either agree or justify myself... and sometimes I *can* justify myself and *they'll*agree. Other times I get pulled up on what I think was such a minor thing, and have it patiently explained that yes, whilst I think it was a minor jab, someone else is in tears and hates themselves because of it... and I have to make it right.

It's best explained as... family. My Patron and Matron are like my Father and Mother. They guide me, they help teach me, but generally they let me get on with making mistakes and learning, and only really interject when it's important. The Christian deity seems like a distant uncle or something - write to him a few times a year, call him at Christmas, and hope you got good presents and not a hideous sweater or some book tokens. I can't imagine being so disconnected from someone you put so much faith and trust in, it doesn't seem logical at all.

But then, maybe Christians believe their God walks with them too, the whole Footprints-in-the-Sand thing. Where I see evidences of my Deities in nature, in signs and secrets and little things all around, maybe they do too. Where I see a spider with a message of creativity, do they see a carefully constructed web showing the magnificence of God's Creation? When I see a rainbow and know it's a glimpse of Bifrost, do they know it's a sign that God promised not to flood the earth again?

I guess it's easy to be on the inside looking out, and easy to make broad, sweeping judgements when you're on the outside looking in. I guess from their point of view I'm heathen demon worshipper, convincing myself that I have power which only belongs in God's hands. My 'manifestation' is simple chance, my empathy is just good observation, etc etc. My Shifting is clearly MPD, my reiki works because whoever I'm working on just needed to lay down and rest, and so on and so forth. *shrugs* might be true, there might be a lot of us all completely delusional.... but we have Faith in what we do.

Upon reflection...

I'm in one of my moods, so I have to write it down. Pay attention, children. I'm not always quite this serious. I blame lack of real food, lack of sleep, and some other stuff. Probably.

It's a curious thing to look at my past and see how different I am. Not completely different, there's still that 8 year old who was determined to run away from home, and that 14 year old who spent hours patiently cutting identically shaped plastic bones out and gluing them together to make inch tall skeletons. The 18 year old living large but still feeling out of place and out of phase, and the 20 year old with his mind unravelling... but they're deeper inside these days. I can call up the feelings if I need, but they're not at the forefront of my mind.

As Virginia Slims said, You've come a long way, baby. She sounds like a smart woman (OK, not a *completely* serious post then. I have to have my moments).

I know this isn't the end of the process, either. Every day, I find out new things about myself. A new talent I didn't know (Hey! Wood *doesn't* hate me completely!), a new perspective on something, an insight which makes the world a little clearer and better focused. In many ways I feel like a child, still discovering the world with a sense of wonder and awe.

But then, I'm not a child. There are parts of me which are older and wiser, and they look at me growing almost like a parent does. Yay, you're growing and changing and becoming who you could be, who you *should* be... but what about me?

Which is why I bawled my eyes out when the 10th Doctor regenerated. Because there are parts of me aware of things, and they fear the change. They watch as the world they know is torn apart and reshaped, and they wail "I don't want to go!", and it *hurts* to know that I have that power over them, and that power over myself. For the first time in a long time, I kind of like who I am these days. I still have my faults, but I'm at least comfortable with me... and I don't think a lot of people can honestly say that about themselves. I don't want to lose it!

If I went back in time and was able to tell younger-me what was going to happen... I wouldn't believe it. I don't know if I'd even be able to relate to a younger version of me. Whilst I remember key events because they're key events, there's so much that's just... not there. Even remembering my direct past gives me issues at times, there's so much useless stuff that I just discard straight away. What the hell would I say anyway?

"Dear 8 year old Will. You're feeling screwed up because you are. You're going to struggle with this for the next decade or so, then totally flip out and spend 6 months fixing yourself before you can function again... but afterwards it's all OK. Promise. You'll end up with a funny looking Pantheress who thinks she's a vampiress but really just needs a hug, an Owl who looks like Jareth most of the time and does magic (but also makes you walk oddly), and a Tortoise who says very little, does everything slowly, but means you can do all sorts of icky things. By the way, don't stress over school, don't stress over women, and tell your family you love them more"

Mooooom! There's a strange beardy guy in my room talking rubbish!

What worries me more would be the opposite - Strange beardy guy from the future visiting me now. What do I have to look forward to?

"Oh, you're going to recombine your shapes, discover it was all crap and fix yourself properly"

"Oh, that stuff you thought was awesome and cool? No, not at all. Stop it."

"Oh, you're going to lose one of your legs next year. Try to favor your left and get practice hopping"

"Oh...."

I don't want to go!

Even my Shapes have changed over the last decade. Not just that they've stopped being characters, then stopped being avatars, and definitely stopped being wampires. They're... older and more defined. Partly that they're better separated, but also that they're better integrated and able to hand off things to each other rather than try to deal with stuff outside their bailiwick.

I got to use the word bailiwick. Yay!

Tal's no longer the "woo woo! Diva with a death wish on the party train!" she originated as. She's learned a measure of control (however reluctantly), she's gained insight into how people think, and react, and she can deal with things far more accordingly. She's less afraid to show her compassion when it's merited, but also more willing to show her fangs. She's still got her weaknesses, and she still likes a bit of mischief when she can get away with it, but she's matured. I can't help think of her as a child grown up... and like a child she still has her moments... but I love her.

Den has settled into his position far faster. He was old to begin with, and it's a measure of comfort that he hasn't changed quite as much as Tal. He's a bit more confident, and becoming more attuned to his Role and place, but he's still the Den I created, then killed off on a train platform (Nottingham I think), in floods of tears. Still can't read that story either. He's still my (and Tal's) father figure, he's turning more into Hordriss in "human" form as time progresses, and he's pleased I'm getting white streaks in my beard.

The Other Den has changed too. My shining Paladin has changed his name at least twice, from Den to Garron and now to Egare. He's handed in his horse and lance, and now he's a Tortoise. Otherwise... It's hard to tell any difference. Tortoise don't change very quickly anyway, and I'm comforted that he's so solid. He doesn't have the same relationship with either of the other Shapes as they have with each other. Den likes to spend long hours talking with him, Tal finds him too slow and frustrating but I think Eg secretly likes being with her and tormenting her to a degree. I guess that makes him a grandfather :P.

Y'know, it's times like this I miss having old people to talk to. Now that I can understand things, I'd love to spend a few hours chewing the fat with my granddad, but it's one of the ironic processes that as I've gained my awareness, he's lost his. I can't even imagine going to see him now, I'd rather remember him as the asshole he was than the... empty he is now.

I'd love to spend some time with my dad, talking about what happened and why, seeing how the new me related to him. I'd love to get some advice on dealing with Bella, on being married (again), and on how things are going to be when I get older... but I don't have that option either. On the other hand, losing him was the first (ish) step on the road to what I am now. Maybe I'd settle for just thanking him - for all that he was an asshole too, he made some of my happiest times possible.

I guess the whole rambling point of this rambling ramble is that I'm feeling reflective. I'm surrounded by a sea of change, and whilst I'm happy to dip my toes in and see what happens, the thought of falling in accidentally scares the hell out of me. Whilst I can swim *now*... what if that changes?

Wow. epic post of doom!