Actually, I'm surrounded by odd things at the moment. We had a baby last month. She's... odd. I talk to her and I play with her (as best as she can play) and there are times I get frustrated that she can't just say "Dammit daddy, you SUCK. My ass is wet because I peed, and I can't change myself. Just change my damn diaper so I can sleep!". I finally managed to reconcile things in my head so that I can think of her like a PC with just one error message (and a loud siren). I guess a mechanic would imagine her like a car with just one dashboard light or something. Either way, it means that I have to switch to a diagnostic routine, which suits both of us fine.
Currently, the diagnostic routine consists of
1) Check diaper
2) Check last feed time. She likes to feed randomly between 2 and 4 hours after the last one, dependant on last feed volume. Generally, 1oz = 1 hour.
3) Check she's not too hot or cold
4) Attempt to burp, first on lap, then on shoulder (Burp 2.0).
5) Peer at her, she might just want some interaction
6) Bounce on knee. If successful, implement Bouncy Seat Protocols
7) Lay across lap and pat back. Doesn't always work, but means she's screaming at the sofa and not my face
8) Wander around the house bouncing and talking machine code.
9) Give her to her mom to soothe.
I hate having to resort to 9. It doesn't make me feel like a bad daddy, I know how awesome the Mom Power is (I was small once too), but I also know Bam needs her zzz and rest time too. If I can find ways to chill the baby out without having to get her to do everything, it takes some of the pressure from her.
We do have a way cool baby though. She managed to avoid the whole squashed-up-purple-cone-head look that most babies get. She's ahead of her milestones (which I shouldn't count, I know that noobs often punch above their weight with a bit of twinking), she's not been too difficult to deal with (other than early constipation, separation anxiety and gas like she's been eating skunks in the night). A lot of the stuff we've been through is trial and error - she's learning as much as we are.
I do have some random observations and tips for other 'rents (more accurately, 'rents to be). If anyone ever reads this, they might be handy.
1) Diaper bags. Pack twice as much as you need, because you'll need it. The day you say "oh, I just need 2 diapers" Baby will lose 2lbs in weight through crapping. The day you think "Oh, I'll only be out an hour and I did just feed her" Baby will demand more food in 10 minutes, and you'll get stuck in traffic for a week. The day you forget to put in a change of clothes, you'll need it. Babies have a sixth sense for stuff like this.
2) Whatever you do, it'll be wrong. Not just wrong, Wrong. BIG W Wrong! Whatever decision you make, another parent will think you're a terrible parent for it.
- You co-sleep? You'll roll over and kill your baby!
- You put her in a bassinet? Don't you care about your lonely baby? She's SO LONELY!
- You use disposable diapers? You're killing the planet!
- You use cloth diapers? You're still killing the planet AND making more laundry!
You can't win, so don't even try. Everyone does the parenting thing differently, and babies still make it to adulthood so they can screw it up themselves.
3) Don't be afraid to ask for help. There are times we've been stressed and tired and grumpy, we picked up the Batphone and called in reinforcements. We went out for a drive and a snack, and came back to a perfectly calm baby and our version of Mary Poppins ready to sail off on her umbrella again. Sometimes baby just needs someone else to soothe them, they can pick up on stress and stuff.
Of course, baby does her best to help me (and her mom) out. If she's hungry, she does her rooting reflex and leaves hickies on my arm. If she needs changed, she waves her arms and pushes downwards. She knows the processes well enough now that if we get her in the right place, she'll start to settle in anticipation - the best example is taking her to the nursery for changes. Once she hits her changing mat, she'll lower the volume and relax so that changing goes faster. It's pretty awesome :)
We have had some rough patches though. We thought she had a UTI on Christmas Eve, so we went to the Pediatrician's office. They didn't have a catheter small enough to get a sample, so we went to the ER. We were stuck there for 5 hours, and neither of us had fed or slept all day! The urine test was clear, but they wanted to do a blood work-up... and they SUCKED at getting blood from Bella. Everyone was traumatized, she was screaming and her mom had to go outside. The 4th attempt I nearly punched the lab nurse because she was digging for a vein (in a month old baby, wtf?) and so the ER nurse took over and managed to get a good draw from her hand. Relief!
And after all that, everything came back clear! It's that kind of thing which really makes me know I'm a daddy though, so I learned a little from it. Hopefully Bella won't remember it!
