It's a curious thing to look at my past and see how different I am. Not completely different, there's still that 8 year old who was determined to run away from home, and that 14 year old who spent hours patiently cutting identically shaped plastic bones out and gluing them together to make inch tall skeletons. The 18 year old living large but still feeling out of place and out of phase, and the 20 year old with his mind unravelling... but they're deeper inside these days. I can call up the feelings if I need, but they're not at the forefront of my mind.
As Virginia Slims said, You've come a long way, baby. She sounds like a smart woman (OK, not a *completely* serious post then. I have to have my moments).
I know this isn't the end of the process, either. Every day, I find out new things about myself. A new talent I didn't know (Hey! Wood *doesn't* hate me completely!), a new perspective on something, an insight which makes the world a little clearer and better focused. In many ways I feel like a child, still discovering the world with a sense of wonder and awe.
But then, I'm not a child. There are parts of me which are older and wiser, and they look at me growing almost like a parent does. Yay, you're growing and changing and becoming who you could be, who you *should* be... but what about me?
Which is why I bawled my eyes out when the 10th Doctor regenerated. Because there are parts of me aware of things, and they fear the change. They watch as the world they know is torn apart and reshaped, and they wail "I don't want to go!", and it *hurts* to know that I have that power over them, and that power over myself. For the first time in a long time, I kind of like who I am these days. I still have my faults, but I'm at least comfortable with me... and I don't think a lot of people can honestly say that about themselves. I don't want to lose it!
If I went back in time and was able to tell younger-me what was going to happen... I wouldn't believe it. I don't know if I'd even be able to relate to a younger version of me. Whilst I remember key events because they're key events, there's so much that's just... not there. Even remembering my direct past gives me issues at times, there's so much useless stuff that I just discard straight away. What the hell would I say anyway?
"Dear 8 year old Will. You're feeling screwed up because you are. You're going to struggle with this for the next decade or so, then totally flip out and spend 6 months fixing yourself before you can function again... but afterwards it's all OK. Promise. You'll end up with a funny looking Pantheress who thinks she's a vampiress but really just needs a hug, an Owl who looks like Jareth most of the time and does magic (but also makes you walk oddly), and a Tortoise who says very little, does everything slowly, but means you can do all sorts of icky things. By the way, don't stress over school, don't stress over women, and tell your family you love them more"
Mooooom! There's a strange beardy guy in my room talking rubbish!
What worries me more would be the opposite - Strange beardy guy from the future visiting me now. What do I have to look forward to?
"Oh, you're going to recombine your shapes, discover it was all crap and fix yourself properly"
"Oh, that stuff you thought was awesome and cool? No, not at all. Stop it."
"Oh, you're going to lose one of your legs next year. Try to favor your left and get practice hopping"
"Oh...."
I don't want to go!
Even my Shapes have changed over the last decade. Not just that they've stopped being characters, then stopped being avatars, and definitely stopped being wampires. They're... older and more defined. Partly that they're better separated, but also that they're better integrated and able to hand off things to each other rather than try to deal with stuff outside their bailiwick.
I got to use the word bailiwick. Yay!
Tal's no longer the "woo woo! Diva with a death wish on the party train!" she originated as. She's learned a measure of control (however reluctantly), she's gained insight into how people think, and react, and she can deal with things far more accordingly. She's less afraid to show her compassion when it's merited, but also more willing to show her fangs. She's still got her weaknesses, and she still likes a bit of mischief when she can get away with it, but she's matured. I can't help think of her as a child grown up... and like a child she still has her moments... but I love her.
Den has settled into his position far faster. He was old to begin with, and it's a measure of comfort that he hasn't changed quite as much as Tal. He's a bit more confident, and becoming more attuned to his Role and place, but he's still the Den I created, then killed off on a train platform (Nottingham I think), in floods of tears. Still can't read that story either. He's still my (and Tal's) father figure, he's turning more into Hordriss in "human" form as time progresses, and he's pleased I'm getting white streaks in my beard.
The Other Den has changed too. My shining Paladin has changed his name at least twice, from Den to Garron and now to Egare. He's handed in his horse and lance, and now he's a Tortoise. Otherwise... It's hard to tell any difference. Tortoise don't change very quickly anyway, and I'm comforted that he's so solid. He doesn't have the same relationship with either of the other Shapes as they have with each other. Den likes to spend long hours talking with him, Tal finds him too slow and frustrating but I think Eg secretly likes being with her and tormenting her to a degree. I guess that makes him a grandfather :P.
Y'know, it's times like this I miss having old people to talk to. Now that I can understand things, I'd love to spend a few hours chewing the fat with my granddad, but it's one of the ironic processes that as I've gained my awareness, he's lost his. I can't even imagine going to see him now, I'd rather remember him as the asshole he was than the... empty he is now.
I'd love to spend some time with my dad, talking about what happened and why, seeing how the new me related to him. I'd love to get some advice on dealing with Bella, on being married (again), and on how things are going to be when I get older... but I don't have that option either. On the other hand, losing him was the first (ish) step on the road to what I am now. Maybe I'd settle for just thanking him - for all that he was an asshole too, he made some of my happiest times possible.
I guess the whole rambling point of this rambling ramble is that I'm feeling reflective. I'm surrounded by a sea of change, and whilst I'm happy to dip my toes in and see what happens, the thought of falling in accidentally scares the hell out of me. Whilst I can swim *now*... what if that changes?
Wow. epic post of doom!
